Coaching From the Heart

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COURTNEY WILLIAMS: From KVMR and in partnership with FREED, this is Disability Rap.

SCOTT MARTIN: For many years after I became disabled, I was worried about what people were thinking of me if I was holding up the line. In my mind, I felt that other people were thinking I was slowing up the line, and they were also feeling bad for me.

WILLIAMS: Today, author and soccer coach Scott Martin joins us for a conversation about his new book and how acquiring a disability changed his life.

MARTIN: I feel that over time, I have become more of a teacher and a coach, even out at the grocery store. I feel that I have to help educate so people understand.

WILLIAMS: That's all coming up on Disability Rap. Stay tuned.

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WILLIAMS: Welcome to Disability Rap. I'm Courtney Williams.

We're joined by Scott Martin, host of the Life's a Road Trip podcast and author of the new book, Play From Your Heart, which takes us through his journey of accepting his disability after surviving life-threatening illnesses and having to have both of his hands and feet amputated. Scott is an award-winning soccer coach, educator, and advocate within the disability community.

With an advanced national coaching license and more than 30 years of experience coaching select youth, high school, and college athletes, he has earned four Coach of the Year titles and guided multiple teams to state championships. He was a soccer coach and teacher before his illness and amputations. His new book, Play From Your Heart, released yesterday, chronicles his journey to return to the field with his new disability.

Disability Rap's co-hosts Carl Sigmond and Alexa Guerrero spoke to Scott earlier this year. We asked Scott to begin by reading a passage from his book. In this section, he reconnects with an old friend. The plan is for them to go out to lunch. Here's Scott.

MARTIN: "At noon on Monday, I was roused by a booming knock at my door. Using the inside portion of my myo, which is myoelectric hands, my hand closed my solution for turning a round doorknob with no wrist. I opened the door by grinning, grinning at the mustached face of my former college roommate. We hugged and patted each other on the back. As we separated, I could feel the hesitation in my usually jocular friend. Scott's eyes locked onto the miles. The seconds ticked by as we stood in awkward silence.

I closed my eyes briefly, steeling myself for the conversation that was about to come. I said, 'Come on in to my humble abode.' Scott seemed to shudder back at life, at my words. While the silence had been broken, the divided cruelty of the cause and effect remained strong, driving a cold fissure between old friends. 'Have a seat,' I said, gesturing to the sofa and watching as he lowered himself onto the cushions, his face frozen in the expression of horror and shock. I looked into his eyes, wavering between the myos and my face. 'You didn't know, did you?' He looked at me with distraught, painful eyes. 'Is this a joke?' I winced. 'Wouldn't that be great,' I thought, 'if all of this were just an elaborate joke?'

After taking a seat on the chair across from the sofa, I took a deep breath and told him the greatly abbreviated story of the past several months of my life. As I spoke, Scott shook his head back and forth, eyes downcast and brow furrowed as he tried to absorb what I was telling him. When my recount came to an end, he simply sat quietly until time seemed to dull the sting of my words. 'No,' he shook his head violently. 'No, no, no.' I looked down at my myos and the rift between us developed another crack.

After another painful, protracted pause, he murmured, 'How did you contract the bacteria?' I looked at him with a sad understanding, sitting with Scott, sharing my story and watching it tear at him. I could again see the ripple effect of my illness. It seemed that every passing day, the reverberation spread further and further, and the distance between me and the people they touched grew wider and wider.

I wanted to apologize for the pain. I wanted to apologize for the pain I was causing him. I felt terrible, but I didn't want to develop a habit of apologizing for my illness. Instead, I apologize for something else. 'It's complicated, buddy. [chuckles] I'm afraid I can't go out to lunch. A meeting came up this morning. Sorry to bail on you, man.'"

CARL SIGMOND, CO-HOST: Well, Scott Martin, welcome to Disability Rap. It is so great to have you with us. You go on from that passage by saying, of course, you and your friends both knew that a meeting had not come up, but you, at the time, at least, were uncomfortable having your friend watch you eat. I want to begin by asking you to share a bit about the process you went through to accept your new disability and physical limitations, and then the process not only you went through but you went through to help others in your life accept it as well.

MARTIN: I guess I would look at the Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She pointed out denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Especially when I started writing the book, and I got deeper into it and finally letting all of my emotions out through the keyboard, I added three to what Kübler-Ross had said. I added fear, guilt, and shame. That's where I was feeling, not for myself, and that was a mistake I made, but feeling or acting how I thought others perceived me. In that passage, I think guilt really plays up on the scene between Scott and I. It just lingered with me. It's still there, guys. I still feel guilty for how others must have to change their thoughts or how they might do things for me.

SIGMOND: Thank you. Can you talk more about the process of writing the book and what else you learned about your grieving and acceptance process?

MARTIN: I think that once we really got into writing, I had to check myself quite often to make sure that what I was telling people was both true but also not to hold back on my feelings. That was really difficult. Now, with the marketing phase and doing podcasts like this and talking with people, I think I did go through a process that helped me through the writing. A lot of reflection. Now I've come to the point where I can more easily talk about it because what I'm learning about the interest in my story is that I have a responsibility to help talk about it, to show that I'm not afraid to discuss it. I'm open to having questions asked.

One of the bigger things that I've been learning since I've been doing the marketing aspect of pitching the book is that there is an education that needs to happen to people, or for people that are not visually disabled. The disabled, like us, other people don't have an understanding about what it's like to be in that position. Therefore, I've learned firsthand that they would rather put me down or make me feel uncomfortable. That tells me something about the other person.

Because again, with the book, I'm hoping that one of the things that are going to come out of it is an understanding by the non-visually disabled, the ones that don't have a disability that others see openly, but there is an education that has to happen in order to help them come in to better understand what it's like for the disabled and not to treat the disabled any differently, but to have an understanding about what life for that person is like.

SIGMOND: Thank you. Just a quick correction. I believe you mean visibly disabled rather than visually disabled. Is that correct?

MARTIN: Thank you. That is correct. Visibly disabled. Thanks, Carl.

SIGMOND: Society has a lot of work to do in this arena. We all can agree on that. You are taking a step to be very public about moving this ball forward. What is it like to put yourself out there in the disability advocacy space that you are just entering or did not inhabit for all of your life? What is it like to be out in front of a new space?

MARTIN: I guess I would compare it to moving to a new city or a teenager moving to a new high school, which I did a couple of times. I started off in a very small high school and moved to a high school that was much, much bigger. It was to become frequented or become comfortable. It just takes time. It just takes time.

ALEXA GUERRERO, CO-HOST: Hi, Scott. Can you talk about your coaching style before your illness and how it changed when you got back into coaching after your illness?

MARTIN: My initial thought was I wanted to keep everything in my life the same. I didn't want to spend any more time on a daily basis getting dressed. I wanted to be able to make my own meals, do my own clothes, live my life myself the way I had done before. I was looking to stay as normal as possible. When it came to coaching, I knew that because I couldn't play anymore, I needed to change.

Really, as soon as I was fitted for the myoelectric hands, I picked up a pencil, asked for a pad of paper, and I started writing a coaching manual because I knew that my players at the university needed to have-- they needed for me to, some way, be able to communicate with them that would keep us on track. Before I was sick, we were a nationally ranked program, and I wanted to make sure we were continuing. The goal of the program was to win the national championship. In order to get to that goal, I needed to do this. I titled it, The Soccer Atlas: Where Are We Going and How Are We Going to Get There?

With the title, I started writing about how we would run our training sessions, what recruiting was about, what our beliefs were, what our tactical philosophies were. I put everything down onto paper and presented it to the players in that way. Therefore, we didn't really slow down much. There was an adjustment with how the players picked up and how I presented material to them.

I'll put it this way, my first season after being released from the hospital, we were still nationally ranked. We didn't really lose much, but what I did lose, Alexa, was my manner of recruiting. I wasn't comfortable just going to a soccer match where there were some interesting players to me and putting out my hand to shake the hand of the player, and then start talking to them about coming to play for us.

I lost that. That was something that did come into play, and that's part of what actually led me to the time when I resigned. I hit the brick wall of depression, and our program was no longer naturally ranked after a few years. That's when I resigned because I knew that I was no longer running the program as I expected to. I had to make a change in that way.

SIGMOND: Scott, you talk about what you lost in coaching. What did you gain?

MARTIN: What I gained. It took years, Carl. It took decades for me to understand what I gained. Let me talk to now. Now I'm back in the classroom as a substitute teacher, and I'm open to discussing-- At the beginning of the year, I talk about my disability with the students and the story, so then we can move forward. That's helping them learn that there's no difference between a disabled person like me and their other "normal teachers." As a matter of fact, though, I think that I present things a little bit better because I don't care [chuckles] about how things are perceived. I just do them, and I'm very straightforward with the students.

Now, I've also come to better understand more about coaching soccer, coaching the game, helping my players move on. For example, a few years ago, I had a state championship team of players that were primarily seniors in high school. A bunch of them went on to go to college and also to play in college. I look and reflect on that, as that's something that's been done.

Now comes the big thing is with the book. Coaching and teaching in my community is one thing, but the book is going to be presented all over the world. I've been in contact with people from other countries about the book. That's an opportunity that I'm just now picking up. Going back to your original question, Carl, that, I feel, is a positive, but I also feel that that is a responsibility for me.

GUERRERO: I am curious, like, how did you navigate when your players asked about your disability?

MARTIN: The amputations came in July of a year, and back in 1993 when I was coaching. Our players that year returned to campus for preseason training without me, and that was in August. I wasn't released until December. I did go back that year and do some coaching from a wheelchair. I was still in the hospital, but they would let me go for some training.

Those players saw me from the beginning. Most of those players after my illness and the amputations, I had known and worked with before the illness and the amputations.

Those players, I think, it was more emotional for them because our relationship at that time was they were my siblings. They weren't my players; they were my siblings. We're part of a family. That's changed now in that anytime-- Well, I'll go to this, Alexa. I've been asked to start working with a team of boys that are all under 19. I'm going to meet them for the first time on Saturday, so in four days or so. The first thing I'm going to open with is, "Let me tell you about my disability," so we get that out of the way, and then we could start coaching. I think that should give you a good idea about how I'm going to handle it now.

It's different. It's changed. I think now I have a system down where it's being upfront, trusting them. It's up to them to accept me, because I already automatically accept them. Then, once we get that out of the way, we go to work.

GUERRERO: That's cool.

SIGMOND: I'm struck by you saying, "It is up to them to accept me." What I hear under that is that, "It is up to me to accept me."

MARTIN: Carl, you are profound, my man. That is spot on, and I think you just helped me learn a little bit of something. I appreciate that. I applaud you, sir, and thank you for giving me an opportunity to look a little deeper. Well done.

SIGMOND: I think it is an ongoing process as people with disabilities to continually work to accept ourselves over and over and over. What is that like for you?

MARTIN: To accept being part of the disabled community?

SIGMOND: No. Like we all know, we get ableist messages whenever we leave our homes. It is work for us to combat those messages and say, "I accept myself," over and over and over again. What is that process like for you?

MARTIN: I guess I would put it in terms of being at the grocery store. For many years after I became disabled, I was worried about what people were thinking of me if I was holding up the line. I can't handle coins very well, so a credit card comes in handy. In my mind, I felt that other people were thinking I was slowing up the line, and they were also feeling bad for me.

When people would offer to help me pull something like a gallon of milk out of the grocery cart, that's a time where, instead of me getting mad, it's, "This person doesn't understand," so I politely say, "I have a difficult time with it, but I need to be able to do it myself." I feel that over time, I have become more of a teacher and a coach, even out, again, at the grocery store. I feel that I have to help educate so people understand.

GUERRERO: Thank you. I totally agree with you. I deal with that on a daily basis. I would like to go back to your coaching. I would love to know what it was like coaching non-disabled athletes. How did they take it? What was their reaction?

MARTIN: Over the years, I have had multiple players, after the season's done, to tell me that when they first met me, they had no clue how to act, or they were put back because, "Why am I working and being coached by someone that has no hands and parts of no feet?" They couldn't understand that at the time. Later, I've had multiple players tell me that, for example, in English class or in their speech class, they either write a paper or they talk about me, and their experience working with someone so severely disabled as me. They are open and honest, which I greatly appreciate. They don't treat me any differently.

There's something different about being on the soccer field. I'm thinking about this for the first time, guys. The soccer players don't treat me any differently when we're on the soccer field. Yet, when I'm substitute teaching and I'm in the classroom, there is an opportunity, or more of an opportunity, for the students there to maybe treat me differently. Then again, it may be that we haven't really shared many experiences together as much as my soccer players do.

My soccer players, we go through good training sessions, bad training sessions, we win matches, we lose matches, so we experience things together. Whereas, in the classroom, if I am able to lecture a bit, we do then have an exchange, and I think that does help, that if we are able to interact. Interaction is an important part of this, I guess. Wow, you guys, you are really making me think. This is great. We have to have interaction in order for the students or the players, and I, or for them to feel comfortable with me about working together. It's interaction.

GUERRERO: Thank you. I have another question about your coaching. How can the world of competitive sports be more inclusive of people with all kinds of disabilities, both visible and invisible?

MARTIN: There is a group called the American Amputee Soccer Association that is actually going to be playing in the Amputee Soccer World Cup this summer. I had no idea. There's that organization. FIFA, which is the governing body of all of soccer throughout the world, is working with the World Amputee Football Federation to conduct and to hold this World Cup. There is that, and I wasn't aware of it. We've got players that are-- they seem to all be missing one leg, and they're using crutches to get around, and it's really amazing to watch. I saw them win the match to get them to go to the World Cup.

That's one area we're not really hearing much about at all. I'm starting to work with them and help promote what they're doing. We all know about Special Olympics, but for soccer specifically, the Amputee World Cup coming up, I think, is going to be something very special. I think they should be getting some recognition because what they do, and I've said this to the head coach, they seem to be playing the same way, the same styles and tactics, but just obviously in a different way.

GUERRERO: That is cool. I actually used to play power soccer, so it is interesting to hear your perspective on this.

MARTIN: Thanks, Alexa.

GUERRERO: Of course. Thank you.

SIGMOND: And then the second part of the question was more about building a culture of inclusion within soccer as a whole. As we all know, not all disabilities are physical. Not all disabilities may impact someone's ability to play on the field. Can you talk a bit more about work you see or work you want to see in the world of soccer to be more open and inclusive and welcoming of people with all types of disabilities?

MARTIN: I went from a white guy in athletics, where my career was based on winning. I figured out how to win, and I also figured out how to get to know the right people, but after I became disabled, I immediately went into and being viewed upon as disabled. I think that especially males, I think that made them afraid because by meeting me and shaking my hand, I felt as if I made them uncomfortable because I made them think of their own mortality.

Again, this was always with males. Before a match, when I go shake the hand of the opposing coach. Again, this never happened with a female coach on the other side. More often, it happened with males. That they would, all of a sudden, feel better. There was something that changed in them. When I could feel that they thought that they were superior to me, I knew I had them. I knew right then that they were going to let their guard down a bit, so I went out and kicked their ass, really. I loved doing that.

I also was discriminated against quite often in coaching. Oh, yes. Especially the last half of the book was all about me working with these young players, but I was discriminated against to end up working with what was called a C team, not the A or B, but the C team. I've faced some really bad negatives, but again, it tends to work around males much more than females.

SIGMOND: How do we as a society combat that?

MARTIN: US Soccer, which is a governing body of soccer in the United States, does have programs. They do have programs, one's newer, that is at least feeding money. They also are putting some of their coaches out to help with disabled community for helping kids learn. I think it's just spending money to make things look good, but they're making an effort. FIFA, again, the world governing body, is putting money and effort into trying to work with the disabled community. I don't know if we can say that about basketball, baseball, and football, how much we can. I'm sure they are somewhat.

A lot of it is, and we have to all accept this, I believe, that there's competitive athletics and there's recreational athletics, and that the competitive side is if you can do it, if you can help and it comes down to winning, that's one thing, but for more the recreational side, for being able just to participate, that's a different thing and we have to be able to accept the differences between the two. There are things that are being done. Of course, it has a ways to go, but it's happening a little bit at a time.

WILLIAMS: That was Carl and Alexa's interview with Scott Martin, author of the new book, Play From Your Heart. The book is available now.

That does it for the show. Disability Rap is produced and edited by Carl Sigmond and me, Courtney Williams. You can go to our website, disabilityrap.org, to listen to past shows, read transcripts, and subscribe to the Disability Rap podcast. You can also subscribe to our podcast by searching Disability Rap on any of the major podcast platforms. We're brought to you by KVMR in partnership with FREED, and we're distributed by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange. For Carl Sigmond and Alexa Guerrero, I'm Courtney Williams with another edition of Disability Rap.